Please enjoy this preview chapter from my upcoming book:

Real Love Isn’t Real Complicated: 8 Simple Words for a Happier, Healthier Relationship

Also feel free to click here for more tips and tools on love and relationship.

Making Love Easier

Real love doesn’t have to be real complicated. 

Yep, I said it. It’s right there in the title too. That’s a pretty bold statement, I know.

You’re thinking, “Not complicated? You haven’t seen my relationship!” 

The truth is, I probably have. As a therapist for three decades I’ve witnessed so much of what does and doesn’t work in relationships I could write a book about it. 

Hey wait a minute… 

If I were to write about relationships, I’d start by addressing the two things love needs most. 

It needs to be real.

And it needs to be simple. 

It needs to be real simple. 

After all, we’re drawn to things that are real and simple: the sound of kids playing, morning coffee, sunsets, laughing with a friend, a single tear, a blanket and a book…

Real and simple is love at its very best; in fact, it’s often how it starts and finishes. At the beginning you’ll find young love’s nervous first kiss; at the end, an older couple’s quiet arm in arm stroll through the park. 

Somewhere between the beginning and the end love got complicated. 

The couples who see me in my therapy practice are far removed from first kisses and quiet strolls. Less in love and more in pain, they’ve lost what once felt genuine and miss what once felt easy. 

Their stories are the same. Being together has started to feel empty, full of conflict, inauthentic. Talking has become a series of unsolvable riddles with traps, dead ends, and pitfalls.  

When love becomes labor; we get discouraged and feel like giving up. 

My challenge to you is not to give up, not yet.  At least not before you and your partner have tried a little harder to make love a lot easier.  

Love’s Pressure

Who’s idea was it to put so much pressure on love in the first place?

What if we eased up on the notion that we had to be such perfect partners and that love itself has to be so perfect? What if being imperfect was the key to cultivating real love in the first place?

What if what we needed was a ‘good enough’ kind of love and not the Hallmark channel relationships we’re expecting and failing at? 

Is it possible that we ask way too much of each other?

What if we asked for less instead and in the process made love less complicated, more accessible, more real, maybe even easy? 

And what if someone wrote about that! 

Now that’s an idea I could get behind and maybe even write a book about.

Maybe love can be that easy. Maybe real love doesn’t have to be real complicated after all. 

A Way With Words

The right words have the power to save your relationship. The wrong words can end it. 

Words are funny — too many can overwhelm your partner and keep you from being heard, too few can keep you from being seen. Choose the wrong ones and you’ll only wish you were invisible. 

If you want to make your relationship better, you’ll need to have a way with words.

When it comes to love and how we talk to each other, there’s a few things I’m certain of:

• words do matter 

• we use too many of them

• we use the wrong ones

• we keep the best ones to ourselves 

Using too many words gets in our way. We tend to use them defensively like shields, or as filler, hiding the real feelings and vulnerability underneath. Real love is about engagement, risk, and accessibility; you won’t need long speeches for that. 

Using the wrong words also has destructive consequences. We lean too hard on words that shut things down, escalate emotion, or push our partner away. These ‘wrong’ words become habitual. Without alternatives, we end up using the same words over and over again with the same ineffective results. 

Finally, there are times when our heart knows what to say. Filled with fear or self doubt we hesitate, remain quiet, and a magical moment is lost forever.

You don’t need more or fancier words to get more from love.

What you do need are the right words, said at the right time, so you can put your heart in the right place, and your relationship on the right track. 

The Secret to Relationship Success

I want to let you in on the two biggest secrets about love and relationship I’ve uncovered as a therapist for 30 years and as a married guy for 25. 

First, when you strip away all the noise, we love and hurt and heal just like we did when we were kids; genuinely —  with vulnerability, innocence, and abandon. 

If you want to find your way back to your partner, you’ll need to find your way back to something less adult and more childlike in yourself. 

I want to help you love, and hurt, and heal with the ease of a child so you can have an easier, more effective relationship as a grown up. 

Second, love isn’t random or mysterious. It doesn’t fall down from the heavens and it’s not delivered by an arrow from Cupid’s quiver. 

Love is action, a choice, a behavior, a willingness. It’s what you do, how you act, what you say. 

This is huge because if this is the case, love can be learned!

That’s my job, to teach you how to love!

So just how do we do that? 

We’re going to do it with words — small, but good words. 

I’m going to teach you eight of them at a time. We’ll go slow. It’ll be like learning a new language, the shortest, most basic language you’ve ever learned. 

You’ll soon discover that from words, actions follow, and so does your heart. 

I’ll walk you through a series of eight word prompts that you can use in the three most important areas of your relationship;  communication, connection,  and conflict resolution.

I’ll show you how and when to use them. I’ll explain a little of the psychology behind these words and how phrases so simple can be so essential. 

The word prompts are crafted to be easy to access, understand, and communicate. Limited to just a few words, they can quickly teach you how to have conversations that ease tension, reinforce intimacy, and resolve conflict.

I want you to return to what’s simple in love by learning eight simple words — words easy enough to learn in a day yet powerful enough to use for a lifetime. 

Who is This Book For?

If you are looking for practical, easy to learn, and simple to apply interventions for your relationship — interventions that you can use right now — this book is for you.

Real Love Isn’t Real Complicated (Real Love) is for those who want effective tools to improve the way they talk, connect, and resolve conflict.

I’m giving you the actual words to use — what could be easier and better tools than that!

Real Love is for people who want relationships that work and last; not perfect relationships, but ones where the imperfections are actually used to bring you closer, not further apart.

Not everyone who wants to work on their relationship is able or willing to see a couples therapist. There can be practical, financial, and emotional obstacles to reaching out and getting the resources you need. 

This book is for couples who need help right now but for any number of reasons can’t make it to the office of a therapist. 

Couples therapy may not be for everyone, but this book is! This is my therapy house call for you —  if you can’t find your way to me, I’ll bring help to you!

Naturally, Real Love is for people in relationships, but it’s also for individuals who want to learn more about what to do and how to be when they find one. 

Real Love is great for any stage of your relationship. 

It’s perfect for new relationships, for those excited and eager to learn the best ways to grow a love that can become strong and secure. You’ll set the stage for healthy habits around communicating, connecting, and resolving conflict. 

It’s also an invaluable resource for couples who have been together for a while but need something to help them re-energize, re-engage, and renew.

If you are in crisis or at a crossroads in your relationship this book can give you the skills you need to de-escalate conflict, access your heart, better respond to the heart of your partner, and then return to a love that’s easier. 

Real Love is not meant to be a substitute for couples therapy for those who need it most. I still provide therapy, still love it, and still see it work miracles. 

While some people can learn a lot on their own about how to make love better, others need the more comprehensive and concentrated approach therapy can offer.

This is especially true if couples issues are exacerbated by individual mental health issues, trauma histories, safety concerns, infidelity, and substance abuse problems — among other things. In these cases, while this book may be a helpful resource, you’ll likely need more than it can provide.

Whether you are seeking therapy or not, Real Love can be a first step for you, opening you up to the possibilities of change, reminding you that we all need a little help now and then, whether in the form of a book or a real human being.

I hope you’ll read and use this book. Love is worth it and love can’t wait. The time to learn and the time act is right now.